Can Being in a Mixed Relationship Really Make you Become Fluent?

I am French and my girlfriend is Japanese. She doesn’t speak French but I do speak Japanese. Of course, we both speak English, but I feel more at ease in using it compared to her.

Which means our main language of conversation has been Japanese.

By the time we met during Spring 2018, I already had a high business level, living my life in Japan without much language trouble but obviously still with quite a few simple mistakes sprinkled throughout my exchanges with other people.

Nothing to be worried about so I just let it be and stayed with an open mindset ready to accept any mistake pointed out to me. I figured that would be enough.

Back then though, outside of work and daily exchanges at the supermarket and such, I barely used Japanese. At parties, I would but that would be about once or twice a week at most.

As things would happen, I started exchanging a lot with this new girl I had just met and my use of Japanese in daily life skyrocketed.

Now, more than a year and a half later, I can clearly state that the belief the best way to learn a language is in a relationship is very flawed.

The one thing it helps greatly with is motivation. 

You’re not just learning the language for yourself anymore, you are doing it for someone else too. That means you’ll be able to push yourself more and as a result improve faster than you originally would have.

But there are also clear aspects to be careful of:

1. Outside of basics

If you’re in a relationship in order to learn a language, then you should finish it right now. First of all, that’s not what a relationship is. And second of all, if you think that’ll help you improve a lot, it won’t.

Being in a relationship means that all the basic aspects of daily life will get repeated over and over again, from the simple “Good night” to “What do you want to eat?” or the typically Japanese “ただいま”.

This means very simple keywords and sentences will become a part of you and should, after a while, feel as natural as your native language.

Obviously, the higher your level at first, the higher the probability of you knowing those already.

2. Engrained mistakes

Photo by Jason Weingardt on Unsplash

Your lover is not your teacher (unless you’ve stated it before) so you shouldn’t expect him or her to correct every single one of your mistakes.

In most cases, as long as your main idea is understood, the other party won’t stop to correct you. After all, since you’re not a native person, you must make quite a few tiny mistakes at best and have a ton load of not-so-tiny ones at worst.

If your lover were to correct all your mistakes, conversations would turn into lessons quickly and the affection for one another would plummet soon enough.

For this reason, it turns out that a relationship can actually hurt your language ability progress.

As time passes by, what was a tiny mistake becomes a habit and only a few will get corrected.

I spent months saying 確か instead of 確かに when I wanted to say “Right, indeed”, before my girlfriend finally corrected that one.

And I know for a fact that I have many other mistakes which have slipped into my Japanese skills.

3. Fluency of thoughts

Now, obviously, since you are speaking a different language on a very regular basis, you do get to become able to think faster in your target language.

Many aspects of the language become second nature and your flow of spoken words will fasten.

This is due to the amount of practice you get but such practice isn’t limited to relationships. You can have just as much practice with a serious language exchange partner.

4. Becoming Fluent

Once again, relationships are not made to learn a language. They should be based on love for one another and the difference of language should only be something you are both ready to overcome.

Of course, the culture gap goes into the above category too.

When it comes down to actually becoming fluent at a high level in a language, practice is a must but it isn’t enough on its own.

You need to learn new vocabulary, get used to new grammar patterns. This means you need to sit down and do some proper study.

There is no way around it and considering exchanging with your lover is enough to get better is a big mistake to be aware of and avoid.

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Let’s be clear. Mixed relationships are great. You not only get to discover a new person, you learn about a new culture and language through the eyes of someone you care for.

Nobody should get in a relationship with someone speaking a different language just for that reason. Yet, if life has you fall for someone like that, appreciate it and enjoy it. Just don’t confuse your time with that person with actual study. They should always stay separated, even if one helps a bit with the other.